I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize