I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
