I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
