she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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