Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
