I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
