4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
you inspire me to be a worse person
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
