At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
