my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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