Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
