you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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