I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
