My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
