I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
