if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
