Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
