when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
