Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
