proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It was like giving head to a cactus.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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