Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
