I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
