I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
