Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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