It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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