I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
