he thought i was a dude.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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