i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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