dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
if only i could text you this smell
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
