i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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