I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
