so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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