Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So I just went to clothing optional bar
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
