is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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