i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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