Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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