The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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