she woke up with a sticky ear
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We had to coat check the pizza.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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