My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
