you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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