I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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