Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
