I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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