how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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