What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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