: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
