Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
