Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
The beers last night were like the tears from god
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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