I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
my poor anus
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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