guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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