My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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