OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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