I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
