Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize