I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
