he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
