fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
