Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
