and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
