I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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