only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
