But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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